According to nynjsuperbowl.com (I had to google that before you get all impressed with my football knowledge), Super Bowl XLVIII (again, googled), will be the first outdoor, cold weather Super Bowl, EVER. The website also offers the charming phrase “A Super Bowl so big it takes two states to host it”. How many times have I used “Super Bowl” in this first paragraph? Anyone counting? Ok. What I am getting at here is that there is a lot of hype around this coming year’s game. A hype so large, so engrossing, that there can only be one, single, solitary choice for the halftime performance. Drum-roll please: Bruno Mars.
Are you fucking kidding me?
My first reaction actually was not “are you fucking kidding me?” because I had yawned before I even heard the second syllable in the name “Bruno”. Ugh, I have used his name twice and am bored already. While I hate stereotypes, let me feed into one real quick: I only REALLY like the Super Bowl because of the buffalo chicken dip and because of the half time show (unless the Pats are playing, then I half-care). I guess the commercials are appealing, too, but I can just watch them on youtube the next day. So the most monumental television day of the year will be cut in half by the talents of a man no taller than the two little girls I am currently baby sitting for? Janet Jackson would have to slip both nipples for me to even bat an eye at this year’s feat. Sure, Mr. Mars has some cool songs. I liked “Grenade” for about 3 minutes and that one where he sings about morphine, but he is no way half time worthy. I know the queen is a tough act to follow, but I am not sure he is even dignified enough to scalp tickets to get into the game. Since I no longer get my hopes up wishing this would ever happen again, I have comprised a list of acts I would rather see gracing the stage at Metlife Stadium than Bruno Mars. There’s still some time before Feb 2nd rolls around, maybe we can salvage this. FOX, feel free to borrow any of these suggestions.
- The cast of Yo Gabba Gabba!
- Janice from Friends auditioning for an Aflac commercial
- My grandfather after 4 glasses of merlot
- Bruce Jenner sans adams apple
- A duet between Chelsea Clinton and Tagg Romney
- Honey Boo Boo
- One of the six Jolie-Pitt children
- Kanye West reading verses from the Book of Genesis, replacing “God” with “I”
- Walter White Jr. (aka Flynn)
- An orchestra comprised of Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends
- A baby penguin (I love penguins)
- Kevin Gnapoor
- A power-point presentation of my Facebook newsfeed’s most witty statuses on politics, weather, and last night’s Walking Dead.
Please feel free to add to my list! Or tell me to go to hell if you’re a weirdo Bruno Mars enthusiast.