Christmas eve is next week. While all my shopping is complete, I am betting some of you out there have not even started. I am trying to keep this place a judgment-free zone, but I am judging you. If you think you can conjure up some thoughtful, memorable presents for your entire crew of receivers in less than a week, you’re wrong. Now, I would not just make fun of you without offering a solution. SO, FEAR NOT! Here is my foolproof guide to gift giving. Some of these presents are just as special to the giver as they are to the receiver, so I will chalk this one up to a win-win. The one thing I cannot promise is that all these items actually exist. But, again, fear not! I am an engineer, so just write out a quick IOU, and I can have them into production by mid-March. A few items are user-specific which will make you seem even more thoughtful than you already are!
GIFT: A mini shield of armor for one’s tongue.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Slip this sure-to-please gadget over your tongue before entering a family holiday party. When a random twice-removed relative calls you out for drinking too much, a recent weight gain, a pending divorce, or custody battle, just go right ahead and bite down hard on your tongue without walking away with a mouth full of blood! Restraining oneself from flipping a shit when someone crosses the line is hard to do, so just bite your tongue, smile, and walk away. You can even leave your Xanax in the car and save it for a post blackout hung-over morning.
RECEIVER: Your BFFL whose confidence on instagram is far more exuberant than in real life.
GIFT: Instagram filter sheets to fit any standard full-length mirror.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: It is no secret that everybody looks better in a filter. I personally look like a Hollywood starlet in X-Pro II, but everyone is different. My dog’s complexion favors that of an Earlybird sans border, while one can never go wrong with the mystery the Inkwell filter holds. Leaves ‘em wanting more, people! Why should we limit such beauty to instagram? Sure, natural beauty is a wonderful thing, any Dove commercial can tell you that, but who doesn’t slightly close their eyes when that comes on the TV screen? Behold, a full set of sheets to cover your mirrors and give you that Sierra glow before you hit the town. Even if it does not translate into real life, who cares? You’re a fucking rockstar and anybody should be lucky to talk to you. Those mirror-filters will give you more confidence than Chaz Bono in a fitted tee.
RECEIVER: Your democratic, 90’s-enthusiast friend/aunt/gay uncle.
GIFT: A time machine.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Set that baby back and go apply for that White House internship you regret not doing during Clinton’s term! Need I explain more? 😉
RECEIVER: Your single friend who works in an office and frequents the gym.
GIFT: Laser hair removal gift card for the area 3 inches above the ankle
INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Let’s face it, the only favorable aspect of winter is the lack of shaving a woman needs to do. For our legs, it’s “movember” from December until about the 3rd week of March. Since our leg hair no longer pokes through our catholic-school-girl uniform tights, it is time to do something about those lumberjack ankles that are only exposed beneath our Lulu Lemon crops and our Ann Taylor ankle slacks. Save your bestie the embarrassment and pay for them to get rid of that unwanted hair. Their ankles and shins will thank you. Who knows, maybe they’ll even get a date out of it!
If you find that none of these items will satisfy anyone on your list, then, A. Get new friends or B. Print out posters of Uncle Jesse post original mullet, pre full-out haircut. No one will question you.