Teeing Up and Skiing Up: My Journey as an Individual Sports Enthusiast

Growing up, I just about attempted every sport in the book of childhood sports and activities.  Gymnastics, soccer, basketball, softball, hockey, sailing, track, volleyball, and swimming, to name a few.  To be quite frank, I sucked at most, and could not have been more of a disappointment.  Thank God I was cute. I faked an ankle injury to get out of playing hockey (sorry, dad), and crashed my sailboat into an innocent rower during a family sail at the end of the season. When it came to softball, I could not hit the ball past the pitcher, and my 8 years of soccer amounted to nothing but a high vitamin C count from all of the oranges I ate on the sidelines. Although I wouldn’t say I was a complete lost cause, being captain of my high school volleyball team and everything, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to say the athletic-gene-fairy that sprinkled the rest of my family with trophies and MVP awards, skipped over me.

Even though team sports were never really my forte (I much preferred being part of an ensemble or cast), I did appreciate and cherish the camaraderie between a group of people trying to win the same game, and the pasta parties, or team dinners that would follow.  In order to make up for my non-athletic past of false ankle sprains and wasted, goal-less Saturday afternoons, I have decided to forgo team sports all together, and focus more on myself.  What do I mean by that, you ask? Well, let’s just say I am embarking on an individual sport adventure that will not only catapult me into a FAWNCY country-club lifestyle with my unknown future husband, but will also redeem my past unauthentic mishaps and embarrassments. I’m killing two birds with one stone, or shooting two balls in the same basket. Um, still working on my sports lingo.

While I do not want to give all of my secrets away, I will give you all a small dose of what I’m getting at here. It all started last summer when I took my grandmother’s golf clubs out of her basement and put them in the trunk of my car.  That is the first step to becoming a golfer, correct? Even in the dead middle of winter, I still have them in my trunk, and jump at any chance to say “Oh, sorry your luggage won’t fit back there, I got my clubs in my trunk.” Truth be told, I have never played a round of 18 in my life, but I did frequent the driving range a few times. One time said driving range, which has a bar next to it, even gave out free shots. I LOVE GOLF, but what I love even more than actually swinging a club, is telling people “I have taken up golf”, as if I expect them to curl over in impressiveness. I once told a kid on a date that I hit the ball 450 yards, actually believing that was true, when in reality I think I hit it almost 150 yards (which I am still proud of, considering my amateur status.) He quickly shut me down, informing me that is a Tiger Woods level drive, and I must be mistaken… which I was! Given my math background, one would think I would have a handle on how actually far 450 yards is, but hey, someday I’ll get there! Until then, I will be up at the driving range scoping out the best sugar-daddy to stand next to and practice my swing for (Just kidding- I make my own money, bitch!)

Next up on my list is a sport I have abandoned for almost a decade, but have slowly let back into my life like the emotionally abusive ex I never had. Skiing. What I love most about skiing is drinking. Just kidding, it’s the adrenaline, aka the anxiety I get, as I try not to trail blaze over 3-year-olds with twice my talent and ski gear swag… but back to the drinking. While après ski is one of the douche-iest combinations of words, it is the most fun activity. I am still a rookie in social ski culture, as I have probably only hit the mountain a handful of times since my 21st birthday, but I think my après ski drinking game is on par (golf term!) with that of an experienced shredder. I can après with the best of them, and don’t even need to ski to do so! It is a beautiful thing. I attribute this to the kinds of friends who have condos on mountains and help with my ski boots, because those things are a bitch.

I will not bore you with the details of summer 2011, when I purchased two tennis rackets and five sleeves of balls to become a tennis pro, and went all of 4 times to the courts to get my Anna Kournikova on. Enrique was nowhere in site (flashback!), and that really discouraged me, hence my departure from the sport. Perhaps I will take a swing at it again soon (intended pun). I was really good at the grunting from the service line. Until then, my friends, catch me on the fairway, mountain, court, or bar high top.

{image via martiniware.com}


One thought on “Teeing Up and Skiing Up: My Journey as an Individual Sports Enthusiast

  1. Pingback: HOW TO BECOME A YOGI: FROM A NON-YOGI POINT OF VIEW | a deliberate imagination

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