HOW TO BECOME A YOGI: FROM A NON-YOGI POINT OF VIEW

Think for a second. If you could have friends, family, ex booty-calls, and semi-strangers describe you in two ways, wouldn’t you want them to say you are “chill as fuck” with a “strong rockin’ bod and mind”? If those are two qualities you already possess, then you must best good at yoga, and you must be able to do that crow pose no sweat. My aunt is approaching 50 this week. She has the arms of a Michelle Obama, Greek goddess hybrid, and frequently texts me spiritual pinterest quotes. You know why? Because she is a yogi, that is what they do. With that said, I have spent the past month of my life trying to place myself in that same category.  I realize that a month does not seem like a long time, as most people have inorganic sweet potatoes older than a month sitting on their kitchen counter, but allow me to boast that in the short amount of time I have been “practicing”, I was able to gather up some hints and tricks of the trade. Fingers crossed one of these days I’ll get there.

LESSON NUMBER ONE: GET A PEDICURE
Ok, this may already be fairly obvious, but a yoga studio is a no-socks-allowed zone! Which is fine with me, because I can never find a pair of socks when I need to. I’m personally not offended by an un-pedicured foot, but not everyone wants to see those things (things being your bare feet) at 5:45am in an 80 degree room, so maybe brush some polish over your winter toe nails real quick? If not, whatever, maybe just save some time and shave your toes instead.

 LESSON NUMBER TWO: GET A YOGA MAT AND NEVER LET IT LEAVE YOUR SIDE
Similar to the golf club theory, to be a real yogi, you need to have your yoga mat function as an extra limb. In yoga, we have third eyes and third arms, the third arm being the yoga mat that whacks into everyone’s back in line at Starbucks. If you carry your mat with you on errands, people will give you that yoga wink, which I may be making up, but I am fairly certain it is similar to a summertime Jeep wave. Basically, it’s just a friendly acknowledgment that you know what’s up, and you too can afford to drop 20 bucks per class on a Saturday morning after you’ve had your green juice. Luckily my gym’s membership offers free yoga, so people think I am a lot richer than I actually am. I have had a yoga mat in the back seat of my car for almost a year, and if you were paying attention earlier, you would know I just completed my first month of practice, so I am really good at pretending to be something I am not. Also, while we are at it, I have never had a green juice, sue me.

 LESSON NUMBER THREE: SECRETLY RECORD EACH CLASS AND PLAY IT BACK TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU CAN’T SLEEP
I have never actually done this one, because I feel creepy, but I highly suggest it. For some reason or another yoga instructors are born with the voice of an angel. I’ve only had a few different instructors in my day, but they could say “I’m going to cut off your head and then throw it at oncoming traffic” to me, and I would still feel like a happy baby in the happy baby pose. Is the voice thing something they practice? Are they born that way? If I tried to guide a class with my voice, I think people would choose to smash their heads with the yoga blocks or suffocate themselves with their yoga scarves instead. I still haven’t decided if yoga is cheaper than therapy or not, but honestly, those instructors have some serious wisdom.  I got a fucking parking ticket after my class last week and I didn’t even go on a twitter rampage about it, I just stuck it inside my glove compartment, where I will inevitably forget about it, and let it be. I was too effing zen to let that $25 fee get in the way.

LESSON NUMBER FOUR: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BREATHE
I didn’t take a single breath my first two yoga classes. I’m not exaggerating. I literally do not think air was moving through my body for 60 minutes. My third class I got better at it, and boy does it make things easier. I always thought breathing was a natural bodily function, I guess in yoga those rules do not apply; those rules have to be learned. I think I must have been afraid of farting or something. I’m over that, and breathily loudly and dramatically like the rest of ‘em.

LESSON NUMBER FIVE: BE ON TIME AND SHUT OFF YOUR PHONE
I am still learning how to be a chill person, so if I am mid savasana and some idiot’s phone goes off, I have a very hard time getting my zen back in check. Keep your phone on silent. This advice is coming from a person whose phone is glued to their palm. If I can do it, you can do it. Oh, and show up on time. I didn’t follow that rule last week, and I know everyone must have hated me.

 LESSON NUMBER SIX: IF YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN DOING YOGA FOR TWO WEEKS, DO NOT TRY TO DO THAT HAND STAND THING IN YOUR LIVING ROOM AT HOME UNSUPERVISED.
…because you might crash into your television.  Not saying that happened, not saying that didn’t happen, I am just warning you.

NAMASTE.

{IMAGE VIA YOGAROOM.COM}

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