Last year was such a success with gift giving that I decided to lend a helping hand again this holiday season. It basically feels like August was yesterday, so the fact that Christmas is tomorrow is slightly terrifying. Where does the time go? How did we get here? Why am I cold? Why is it dark? Who else got engaged? While you’re busy answering those questions, I’ll present you with some foolproof gift ideas for the variety of humans on your list. You are all welcome in advance, and happy holidays! If that “happy holidays” was offensive, then allow me to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU PROUD CHRISTIANS!*
RECEIVER: YOUR FAVORITE SERIAL PODCAST ENTHUSIASTS
GIFT: A gift card to Best Buy with a couple quarters to make a phone call on the pay phone that may or may not exist outside the store… or inside the vestibule.
ALTERNATE GIFT: A three-way phone call with Adnan and Sarah that has a 65% chance of getting a little flirty and giggly.
ALTERNATE GIFT FOR THE ALTERNATE GIFT: um, I don’t know, how about THE TRUTH.
RECEIVER: Every single human being and some dogs that go on play-dates
GIFT: A beautiful leather-bound fake day planner for 2015. This planner is where you’ll write down all of the fake plans you make with the numerous people on the 2nd and 3rd tiers of your life. On the 16th you could enter “getting ‘drinks soon’ with my former best friend from dance class” or “MUCH needed catch up with my family friends’ step-daughter.” Committing to fake plans is difficult, and as humans we make an average of 2 fake future plans a day. With all that lying, it is easy to pretend to double book yourself. Now you can keep them all in line with your fake planner.
Bonus tip: write the plans in invisible ink to be extra flakey!
RECEIVER: YOUR FRIEND WHO LIVES UNDER A ROCK
GIFT: A signed document promising to never, ever, again ask them if they read that Buzzfeed article, saw Lena Dunham’s tweet, upgraded their iphone software, or know what a bae is.
GIFT: The 50+ Instagram followers I lost when they cleaned up the “spam.” Here I was thinking I was being followed by more than I was following. I wake up one day, and BAM! I look like the thirsty one. If spam is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I want to be popular.
Have a wonderful night! I hope Santa is good to you. But if he’s not, you’re probably reading this on an iphone, and that makes you 5000% more #blessed than the rest of the world.
*Please know I am JK and Jesus is also my homeboy.