What 2016 Has Taught Me

I haven’t posted on here in almost two years. I even forgot my password and had to have wordpress email me a reset button to my spam folder. What an introduction. Here is what I have learned, or what I was reminded of the past 365 days…

Never say never. Eating the same thing for lunch Monday through Friday gets boring. If you stick to something you will see the results. The unthinkable, good or bad, can happen. It’s easier, and more comforting to just be happy for others. Pick your battles. Double digit vodka sodas are too many vodka sodas. Advice comes in all forms. It could be worse. Hate is powerful. Money is powerful. Love is more powerful. It’s okay to ask for help. The Kylie Jenner Lip Kits are phenomenal products. People do listen. It’s okay to say no. Anger is only productive when turned into action. You’re never too old to make new friends. The Office can be watched every single day for the rest of your life, probably. Turtlenecks. Bic Ultra Fine Point permanent markers make handwriting a real treat. You can run 6 miles without stopping. Nordstrom’s return policy takes the cake. What I care about isn’t what everyone else cares about, and that’s okay (I guess). You can always find the time. When ordering unisex sneakers, make sure you aren’t ordering in men’s sizing. Get the iphone with the larger storage option. It can take up to 10 hours to put together two dressers. Parents are humans, too. Buying lens cleaner at CVS will completely change your glasses-wearing life. It’s lit. It can still be a problem, even if it’s not a problem for you. Strength in numbers. Adele is worth the price. No one cares how busy you are. Drugs don’t discriminate. Resolutions are shit. Some things are best kept at surface level, others are worth going deeper. If a hair dryer is too hot, it will give you a trim for free. Never apologize for a passion. Baby blankets have a hard time withstanding the test of time. Accept all of the compliments. The pricelessness of the Snapchat gold filter. Sometimes people are willing to french braid your hair in a bathroom if you pay them. You don’t have to think it is ok to forgive. Always have something to look forward to. Evil may seem like it’s winning, but it never truly does. I am extremely lucky, and if you can read this with a roof over your head, you are too. McDonald’s is still my favorite restaurant. 

xx, cj

UNCONVENTIOINAL GIFT GUIDE 2014

Last year was such a success with gift giving that I decided to lend a helping hand again this holiday season. It basically feels like August was yesterday, so the fact that Christmas is tomorrow is slightly terrifying. Where does the time go? How did we get here? Why am I cold? Why is it dark? Who else got engaged? While you’re busy answering those questions, I’ll present you with some foolproof gift ideas for the variety of humans on your list. You are all welcome in advance, and happy holidays! If that “happy holidays” was offensive, then allow me to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU PROUD CHRISTIANS!*

RECEIVER: YOUR FAVORITE SERIAL PODCAST ENTHUSIASTS
GIFT: A gift card to Best Buy with a couple quarters to make a phone call on the pay phone that may or may not exist outside the store… or inside the vestibule.
ALTERNATE GIFT: A three-way phone call with Adnan and Sarah that has a 65% chance of getting a little flirty and giggly.
ALTERNATE GIFT FOR THE ALTERNATE GIFT: um, I don’t know, how about THE TRUTH.

RECEIVER: Every single human being and some dogs that go on play-dates
GIFT: A beautiful leather-bound fake day planner for 2015. This planner is where you’ll write down all of the fake plans you make with the numerous people on the 2nd and 3rd tiers of your life. On the 16th you could enter “getting ‘drinks soon’ with my former best friend from dance class” or “MUCH needed catch up with my family friends’ step-daughter.” Committing to fake plans is difficult, and as humans we make an average of 2 fake future plans a day. With all that lying, it is easy to pretend to double book yourself. Now you can keep them all in line with your fake planner.
Bonus tip: write the plans in invisible ink to be extra flakey!

RECEIVER: YOUR FRIEND WHO LIVES UNDER A ROCK
GIFT: A signed document promising to never, ever, again ask them if they read that Buzzfeed article, saw Lena Dunham’s tweet, upgraded their iphone software, or know what a bae is.

RECEIVER: ME
GIFT: The 50+ Instagram followers I lost when they cleaned up the “spam.” Here I was thinking I was being followed by more than I was following. I wake up one day, and BAM! I look like the thirsty one. If spam is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I want to be popular.

——-

Have a wonderful night! I hope Santa is good to you. But if he’s not, you’re probably reading this on an iphone, and that makes you 5000% more #blessed than the rest of the world.

*Please know I am JK and Jesus is also my homeboy.

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San Francisco Trip

This gallery contains 22 photos.

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